Thanks.

...because I've been an absolute monster the past few.

Forgive me, Lord.

(Lamentations 3:22-23...phew!!)

Regret

I don't like that word: regret. I don't really believe in it- we really should regret nothing in this life. Every experience, whether through some poor choice or whatever, is something we can learn from.

                                                                       BUT

I do indulge in the occasional self-loathing "pity party" and I had such a moment today. I felt overwhelmingly sad and incompetent. Soooo...when my Katy was a baby, I decided I was going to write her a letter (at least) on every birthday for her future reading pleasure. It started off wonderful. I was bubbling over with things I wanted her to know: how much I love her, all the things that happened and milestones she achieved throughout the year, etc.. I had them stashed away in a special box and added to it often. As Kennadi arrived only 13 months after Katy, I had quite a few, as I was writing them every few months as well as on their birthdays.

Something happened once Cayden was born (15 months after Kennadi if you didn't know). They became fewer and farther between. I'm pretty sure I had 12 or so in there and by Cayden's second birthday the number hadn't moved much. It really didn't bother me that much. I was busy with 3 kids..nothing to get depressed over. I was journaling alot so I had plenty to tell them in the birthday letters.

                                                                         THEN

We started moving every year or in some cases, less than a year. We always had super short notice-a week or less- so inevitably, tons of stuff got left behind every move (mainly toys & furniture). It was sad to see the kiddos upset but there wasn't much I could do about it. I'm sure you can tell where I'm going with this...yes, the box of letters got left behind. But the worst part of it is, I don't remember where it was left and even worse still, why I forgot about it for several years. It actually brought me to tears thinking of some random person finding this special box filled with precious memories and hopes and dreams for my babies and carelessly tossing it in the trash. :(

Alas and alack, I've grieved and gotten over it. I am going to start all over I think.

                                       This is the dress I'd like to purchase for Easter

but stubbornly, I will not

It's the strangest thing-I  L.O.V.E. dresses! I enjoy looking through rack upon rack, even trying them on and conjuring up places/events to wear them to. I reeeeally love them from the 50's, 60's & 80's at the local vintage store. I bought this lovlieness almost a year ago and have yet to wear it:

It's nice and light and 80's-ish. When I bought it, I envisioned a thick, funky patent leather belt w/ matching red flats. Maybe a unique headband, some chunky bracelets, and simple black bow earrings (yes..I do get detailed up in my head...it never materializes, sadly). And yet, it hangs in the back of my closet along with my"skinny clothes".

             What a depressing existence. I outta find a fashionable gal and gift it to her.....

So what's my malfunction? I severely hate the way my legs look in dresses. I dunno what it is but I am beyond self-conscious. It's more along the lines of obsessed. Pathetic, I know. It infuriates my husband. Heck, it infuriates me!! In my mind, I don't have legs..I have tree stumps. Even with leggings or nylons.

                                                        It's safe to say...I have issues.

..but do you know what you were meant to do? Do you feel passionate enough about anything to be psyched about it every morning when you wake up? I'm sure some would say just being a parent is a dream come true and that's cool. For them. But I mean, really? When you were a kid, did you really dream about being a parent and nothing else? Doubtful. What about when the kids grow up and leave the nest? You'll have to figure out who you are without them.

I've been feeling like that- do I have any passions? Who am I apart from a mom? I don't even know. How sad is that?!! I have plenty of interests and things I think I'd really enjoy, but nothing (that I know of) I'd fight for tooth and nail.

What about you? What's your passion? What one thing could you do/are you doing day in and day out that makes your heart sing?

perfect

                                 I could literally listen to this all day. Her voice is heaven.

boundaries?

Ok. I've got a question: what are the boundaries for a mom? And what I mean is, are there things that just are NOT appropriate to wear, do, say, think, etc or does motherhood not change your lifestyle? What spurred this? The lovely, slender and talented Gwyneth Paltrow and a dress.

So..what do you think? Is that a beautiful dress? Yes, I think it is. Would I kill to have the body to fit into such a dress? Eh..kill is a strong word...perhaps maim (wink wink). But more importantly, is that appropriate for a nearly 40 year old mother of 2? I honestly don't know. I only know that I personally would feel like a complete idiot if I wore that anywhere- killer body or not.

Perhaps Holly-weird standards don't apply to us "normal" folk. Maybe it's the money thing; if I made multi-millions I might possibly have different rules of "appropriate-ness". But I doubt it.

Just knowing that I have 5 little sets of eyes, ears, and hearts soaking up every little thing I do, say, imply, associate with, etc. keeps me up at night. Why? Because I know me. I know how I talk sarcastically, how I blurt things out about other people before thinking about it, how I laugh at..umm..let's say, unsavory things, how I say how fat I am all the time, how I handle stress, ..the list continues but I'm too ashamed to put most of it out there. Yikes!

It seems like parenthood is a big joke or game to alot of people. I get it though- they wanna give their miniatures the childhood they wish they coulda' had or they just wanna be buds cuz discipline is too harsh and old-school or..i dunno..whatever the reason is, I mostly get it. But it's not a game and it's dead serious..no joke!! Of course, we don't take life too seriously, I say that all the time, but raising the next generation is a BIG DEAL!! I point all ten fingers at myself..never at anyone else because it's not my job to judge how you are raising yours. I only know that we gotta work together to put these kids on the right track because no one can do it alone and Lordy knows I need all the help I can get and the occasional pat on the back for not inspiring "Problem Child 3" or "Chucky's Cousins".

P.S.- Don't ask how I saw that pic of G.P. and went on this tangent. I really couldn't tell ya.

P.P.S.- Do tell me what you think..do things change or can you keep the mini-skirts, go partying, cuss like a sailor and do whatever's clever to you at the moment without damaging the kiddies?

vicious cycle

Oh me, oh my. I've got so many projects started I'm not even sure where to begin resume. I do this all the time, even with cleaning. I get distracted  in the middle of doing something important and like a tractor beam, I'm hooked! And then I get distracted from that, and so on and so on...

Project 1- I am sanding and painting 3 big pieces for the girls: their bunkbeds, dresser and book shelf. We have gone years and years with white walls due to renting  so I told them we could do whatever we want with their furniture because it's all hand-me-down-mis-matched-hodge-podge. (Thank the Lord we're only doing furniture because it took long enough to decide on a color scheme..I can't imagine what it will be like when we finally buy a house. Ugh.)

Project 2- I have a ginormous chest that was my great grandma's that needs much attention. Every time I go into the garage I look at it and tell it (yes, I talk to inanimate objects..get over it), "Someday you'll be beautiful again," and I really mean it.  I started  that project years ago and I'm not quite sure when I'll get back to it. *sad face* 

Project 3- There are boxes upon boxes of pictures that are in no particular order that desperately need to be sorted. The problem is, whenever I sit down to go through them I get lost in memories. Not that there's anything wrong with that but ya know, I'd like to get something accomplished this century. Geesh.

That's a drop in the bucket but you see what I'm dealing with here and uh..I'm what I'm workin with. :/ I will be back with a pictorial progress report, especially the furniture painting- that one scares me & I need opinions!! Right now I need to get back to the half-mopped kitchen, the laundry that I washed yesterday last week and has yet to be folded and put away, and all the other unfinished chores that I'd rather not mention.