disappointment

Oh my. I'm a wreck today. Didn't sleep much. I worry about other people's problems with a bit too much intensity. I seem to take on the burden of certain things and then act like I don't care either way. But I do. I care so much that I want to intervene and make everything right again. In my mind, I've painted this radiant picture of perfection- how I want everything to be. It's my own fairytale I guess; how I see the beauty under the imperfections of day-to-day life. It's not a picture of regret- I don't imagine things how they should have been, just how they ought to be in the here and now. For instance, I don't ponder where I'd be now, at 28, if I would  have gone to college, got a job, married the man of my dreams, etc. I can't fathom that life- it's disgusting. I don't want "normal", I just want functional! I am related to know normal people. They bore the life right outta me.

Where does one draw the line and just let things people and situations be? There's so much more I want to say, but for now, I choose to watch and listen.

i dreamed a dream...

Well, wasn't that last post a real humdinger?! Geesh. And it didn't even make sense. Tis ok- I usually don't make sense.

I woke up with a start this morning; my heart was racing and I was sweating like a pig. It took a second to figure out why. I was having a horrible dream. I woke up right at the height of it. Not quite sure where I lived but I was sitting in my back yard watching the kids play and all of a sudden I heard a man yelling in Spanish and a woman screaming. I looked up this hill (that magically appeared out of nowhere, of course) and there was a small house with a huge picture window. Sure enough, there was a man beating the crap out of his wife. I just sat there watching in horror..and then he looked straight at me. Chills.

I've always had weird but vivid dreams.Several years ago, I'd wake up almost every night and turn on every light in the house, check the window and door locks, and make sure each of my kids were breathing. That was kind of related to something else, but my dreams were..wow..somethin else. I've never believedin those dream interpretation books and websites but this morning all was quiet (5 a.m.-not a creature was stirring) so I googled "dream interpretation" and clicked on the first link- dreammoods.com. Typed in "violence" in the search box and here's what I got:

To see violence in your dream, indicates unexpressed anger or rage. You need more discipline in your life. If you enjoy the violence, then it points to your aggressive or sadomasochistic tendencies. The dream may also reflect repressed memories of child abuse. In particular, to dream that the violence is directed to yourself, represents self-punishment and guilt. You may be feeling helpless or vulnerable in some area of your life. Violence toward others in your dream, suggests that you may be fighting or struggling against aspects of your own self.

Very interesting, indeed! I take these things with a grain of salt usually but I'm starting to see some correlation. Kind of like the zodiac thing. You can say what you want about it, but it's pretty hard to deny some of the connections. For example, I am a Libra and Scorpio because I was born on a cusp. And no matter how skeptical I am, damn it if it doesn't have me pegged! BUT, you're not gonna see me reading my horoscope. That's pretty lame.

this too shall pass..i hope..

Sometimes ya gotta just sit down and let it all out. Everything. I do this, oh, once every 5 years or so. HA! But seriously, I keep emotions in until I start feeling damn near murderous. Stop smiling, I wasn't kidding. In my pea-brain, emotions are for the weak and children. I'm not exactly a cuddly teddy bear. I don't really trust anyone cuz yea..pretty much everybody I've ever trusted has knifed me in the back (I can count on one hand the people I let in..if that hand had a few missing digits). I'm also quite positive that I've lost other people's trust as well.


I don't care what anyone says or tries to convince me to believe: you don't ever really get that trust back, people. I will ALWAYS hold you at an arm's length away from my life and I wouldn't expect anything less from those I've hurt. Yea, I forgive. I've forgiven people that've done horrible things to me even when they didn't ask for it or just plain won't acknowledge anything ever happened. That's just me..I have to be at peace with some things before I can move on. But I don't think forgiveness means you gotta turn around and open your heart up for another massacre. "Hey, you just about destroyed my life; wanna grab a coffee?" No. (and if you do that, then I'm gonna call you Short Bus from now on, cuz something's wrong upstairs, child).


Lately, I've had to put on my happy mask cuz there's some turmoil goin on underneath there. This ever-abiding "fork in the road" is...well..ever-abiding. How does one not just pitch a tent, but take up permanent residence there? I don't know either, but that's what I've done. I condemn myself over it. I punish myself for it. I sit in the shower until the water runs cold contemplating it. Conclusions? I have none. My fear of failure is crippling. Not failing anyone else (well..maybe failing my kids is a part of it) but myself. What's the next step when one is suspicious of their own actions?!!


I'm aware that this is a major downer of a post, but if I'm gonna be honest then I can't say "Gee golly willikers..isn't life grand, ya'll!" I lay it all out there and we'll pick up the pieces together I suppose...

(to be continued~)