this too shall pass..i hope..

Sometimes ya gotta just sit down and let it all out. Everything. I do this, oh, once every 5 years or so. HA! But seriously, I keep emotions in until I start feeling damn near murderous. Stop smiling, I wasn't kidding. In my pea-brain, emotions are for the weak and children. I'm not exactly a cuddly teddy bear. I don't really trust anyone cuz yea..pretty much everybody I've ever trusted has knifed me in the back (I can count on one hand the people I let in..if that hand had a few missing digits). I'm also quite positive that I've lost other people's trust as well.


I don't care what anyone says or tries to convince me to believe: you don't ever really get that trust back, people. I will ALWAYS hold you at an arm's length away from my life and I wouldn't expect anything less from those I've hurt. Yea, I forgive. I've forgiven people that've done horrible things to me even when they didn't ask for it or just plain won't acknowledge anything ever happened. That's just me..I have to be at peace with some things before I can move on. But I don't think forgiveness means you gotta turn around and open your heart up for another massacre. "Hey, you just about destroyed my life; wanna grab a coffee?" No. (and if you do that, then I'm gonna call you Short Bus from now on, cuz something's wrong upstairs, child).


Lately, I've had to put on my happy mask cuz there's some turmoil goin on underneath there. This ever-abiding "fork in the road" is...well..ever-abiding. How does one not just pitch a tent, but take up permanent residence there? I don't know either, but that's what I've done. I condemn myself over it. I punish myself for it. I sit in the shower until the water runs cold contemplating it. Conclusions? I have none. My fear of failure is crippling. Not failing anyone else (well..maybe failing my kids is a part of it) but myself. What's the next step when one is suspicious of their own actions?!!


I'm aware that this is a major downer of a post, but if I'm gonna be honest then I can't say "Gee golly willikers..isn't life grand, ya'll!" I lay it all out there and we'll pick up the pieces together I suppose...

(to be continued~)