boundaries?

Ok. I've got a question: what are the boundaries for a mom? And what I mean is, are there things that just are NOT appropriate to wear, do, say, think, etc or does motherhood not change your lifestyle? What spurred this? The lovely, slender and talented Gwyneth Paltrow and a dress.

So..what do you think? Is that a beautiful dress? Yes, I think it is. Would I kill to have the body to fit into such a dress? Eh..kill is a strong word...perhaps maim (wink wink). But more importantly, is that appropriate for a nearly 40 year old mother of 2? I honestly don't know. I only know that I personally would feel like a complete idiot if I wore that anywhere- killer body or not.

Perhaps Holly-weird standards don't apply to us "normal" folk. Maybe it's the money thing; if I made multi-millions I might possibly have different rules of "appropriate-ness". But I doubt it.

Just knowing that I have 5 little sets of eyes, ears, and hearts soaking up every little thing I do, say, imply, associate with, etc. keeps me up at night. Why? Because I know me. I know how I talk sarcastically, how I blurt things out about other people before thinking about it, how I laugh at..umm..let's say, unsavory things, how I say how fat I am all the time, how I handle stress, ..the list continues but I'm too ashamed to put most of it out there. Yikes!

It seems like parenthood is a big joke or game to alot of people. I get it though- they wanna give their miniatures the childhood they wish they coulda' had or they just wanna be buds cuz discipline is too harsh and old-school or..i dunno..whatever the reason is, I mostly get it. But it's not a game and it's dead serious..no joke!! Of course, we don't take life too seriously, I say that all the time, but raising the next generation is a BIG DEAL!! I point all ten fingers at myself..never at anyone else because it's not my job to judge how you are raising yours. I only know that we gotta work together to put these kids on the right track because no one can do it alone and Lordy knows I need all the help I can get and the occasional pat on the back for not inspiring "Problem Child 3" or "Chucky's Cousins".

P.S.- Don't ask how I saw that pic of G.P. and went on this tangent. I really couldn't tell ya.

P.P.S.- Do tell me what you think..do things change or can you keep the mini-skirts, go partying, cuss like a sailor and do whatever's clever to you at the moment without damaging the kiddies?

vicious cycle

Oh me, oh my. I've got so many projects started I'm not even sure where to begin resume. I do this all the time, even with cleaning. I get distracted  in the middle of doing something important and like a tractor beam, I'm hooked! And then I get distracted from that, and so on and so on...

Project 1- I am sanding and painting 3 big pieces for the girls: their bunkbeds, dresser and book shelf. We have gone years and years with white walls due to renting  so I told them we could do whatever we want with their furniture because it's all hand-me-down-mis-matched-hodge-podge. (Thank the Lord we're only doing furniture because it took long enough to decide on a color scheme..I can't imagine what it will be like when we finally buy a house. Ugh.)

Project 2- I have a ginormous chest that was my great grandma's that needs much attention. Every time I go into the garage I look at it and tell it (yes, I talk to inanimate objects..get over it), "Someday you'll be beautiful again," and I really mean it.  I started  that project years ago and I'm not quite sure when I'll get back to it. *sad face* 

Project 3- There are boxes upon boxes of pictures that are in no particular order that desperately need to be sorted. The problem is, whenever I sit down to go through them I get lost in memories. Not that there's anything wrong with that but ya know, I'd like to get something accomplished this century. Geesh.

That's a drop in the bucket but you see what I'm dealing with here and uh..I'm what I'm workin with. :/ I will be back with a pictorial progress report, especially the furniture painting- that one scares me & I need opinions!! Right now I need to get back to the half-mopped kitchen, the laundry that I washed yesterday last week and has yet to be folded and put away, and all the other unfinished chores that I'd rather not mention.

I've been in a sort of "pit of self-loathing". And I apologize. So I offer this beauty:

I promise!! 

I know what you're saying..it's your blog and if that's how you feel, then that's how ya feel. But I never wanted nor intended to make a blog that was a personal journal about my feeeeeelings. Ew. I have one of those (and it ain't purty, let me tell ya!). I'd like the reader to feel happy and uplifted maybe even occasionally challenged but never, ever, ever go away thinking what a downer I am. I just let my thoughts go sometimes and when I step back and look at what I've been doing/thinking I realize it's not all genuine. It's just emotions and emotions are unreliable. I'm not a slave to them- we can control them though.

For instance, the other day I was letting my children's behavior totally control how I dealt with my own behavior. I actually started acting like a child- crying because I felt out of control of the situation, yelling and slamming things around because I didn't want to harness my anger, etc. That evening I had to take serious inventory on myself. What am I showing  my children?? No wonder they act like that..they see me doing it and then they hear me telling them not to do the very same thing!! Vicious cycle, much?!! I can dismiss everything anyone else suggests to me about parenting, life, whatever..but I cannot, however, dismiss what I see and I see so much room for improvement. So much. I used to complain that I don't know where to start but that's absurd: I start with ME!! Like Gandhi said, "Be the change you want to see in the world" That carries over into every aspect of life: marriage, parenting, Christianity, work, relationships with friends...it goes on and on.

So now that the proverbial light clicked on, the next step is what?? haha  Just kidding!

disappointment

Oh my. I'm a wreck today. Didn't sleep much. I worry about other people's problems with a bit too much intensity. I seem to take on the burden of certain things and then act like I don't care either way. But I do. I care so much that I want to intervene and make everything right again. In my mind, I've painted this radiant picture of perfection- how I want everything to be. It's my own fairytale I guess; how I see the beauty under the imperfections of day-to-day life. It's not a picture of regret- I don't imagine things how they should have been, just how they ought to be in the here and now. For instance, I don't ponder where I'd be now, at 28, if I would  have gone to college, got a job, married the man of my dreams, etc. I can't fathom that life- it's disgusting. I don't want "normal", I just want functional! I am related to know normal people. They bore the life right outta me.

Where does one draw the line and just let things people and situations be? There's so much more I want to say, but for now, I choose to watch and listen.

i dreamed a dream...

Well, wasn't that last post a real humdinger?! Geesh. And it didn't even make sense. Tis ok- I usually don't make sense.

I woke up with a start this morning; my heart was racing and I was sweating like a pig. It took a second to figure out why. I was having a horrible dream. I woke up right at the height of it. Not quite sure where I lived but I was sitting in my back yard watching the kids play and all of a sudden I heard a man yelling in Spanish and a woman screaming. I looked up this hill (that magically appeared out of nowhere, of course) and there was a small house with a huge picture window. Sure enough, there was a man beating the crap out of his wife. I just sat there watching in horror..and then he looked straight at me. Chills.

I've always had weird but vivid dreams.Several years ago, I'd wake up almost every night and turn on every light in the house, check the window and door locks, and make sure each of my kids were breathing. That was kind of related to something else, but my dreams were..wow..somethin else. I've never believedin those dream interpretation books and websites but this morning all was quiet (5 a.m.-not a creature was stirring) so I googled "dream interpretation" and clicked on the first link- dreammoods.com. Typed in "violence" in the search box and here's what I got:

To see violence in your dream, indicates unexpressed anger or rage. You need more discipline in your life. If you enjoy the violence, then it points to your aggressive or sadomasochistic tendencies. The dream may also reflect repressed memories of child abuse. In particular, to dream that the violence is directed to yourself, represents self-punishment and guilt. You may be feeling helpless or vulnerable in some area of your life. Violence toward others in your dream, suggests that you may be fighting or struggling against aspects of your own self.

Very interesting, indeed! I take these things with a grain of salt usually but I'm starting to see some correlation. Kind of like the zodiac thing. You can say what you want about it, but it's pretty hard to deny some of the connections. For example, I am a Libra and Scorpio because I was born on a cusp. And no matter how skeptical I am, damn it if it doesn't have me pegged! BUT, you're not gonna see me reading my horoscope. That's pretty lame.

this too shall pass..i hope..

Sometimes ya gotta just sit down and let it all out. Everything. I do this, oh, once every 5 years or so. HA! But seriously, I keep emotions in until I start feeling damn near murderous. Stop smiling, I wasn't kidding. In my pea-brain, emotions are for the weak and children. I'm not exactly a cuddly teddy bear. I don't really trust anyone cuz yea..pretty much everybody I've ever trusted has knifed me in the back (I can count on one hand the people I let in..if that hand had a few missing digits). I'm also quite positive that I've lost other people's trust as well.


I don't care what anyone says or tries to convince me to believe: you don't ever really get that trust back, people. I will ALWAYS hold you at an arm's length away from my life and I wouldn't expect anything less from those I've hurt. Yea, I forgive. I've forgiven people that've done horrible things to me even when they didn't ask for it or just plain won't acknowledge anything ever happened. That's just me..I have to be at peace with some things before I can move on. But I don't think forgiveness means you gotta turn around and open your heart up for another massacre. "Hey, you just about destroyed my life; wanna grab a coffee?" No. (and if you do that, then I'm gonna call you Short Bus from now on, cuz something's wrong upstairs, child).


Lately, I've had to put on my happy mask cuz there's some turmoil goin on underneath there. This ever-abiding "fork in the road" is...well..ever-abiding. How does one not just pitch a tent, but take up permanent residence there? I don't know either, but that's what I've done. I condemn myself over it. I punish myself for it. I sit in the shower until the water runs cold contemplating it. Conclusions? I have none. My fear of failure is crippling. Not failing anyone else (well..maybe failing my kids is a part of it) but myself. What's the next step when one is suspicious of their own actions?!!


I'm aware that this is a major downer of a post, but if I'm gonna be honest then I can't say "Gee golly willikers..isn't life grand, ya'll!" I lay it all out there and we'll pick up the pieces together I suppose...

(to be continued~)

greetings and salutations.

(Charlotte's Web really was a good movie..i wonder how many thousands of bloggers have used that...)

Sooooo...here am I- blogging on a blog that has never been blogged on before. BLOG! I feel like I should pop some champagne and smoke a cigar or something. The birth of something new and (hopefully) interesting. Promises won't be made because, well, I don't really do that. But I can assure you of a few things: #1- 100% honesty and direct..uh..ness (is directness a word? im too lazy to look). I don't like to beat around the bush, I'm not PC, and I don't have time to make you feel good about yourself all the time. Harsh?? Nah..it's cuz I love ya. #2- a warped sense of humor. 'Nuff said. #3- no praddling on and on about the kiddos. That's just not what I want my bloggity-blog to be.

I should do a nice introduction and blah blah blah a bit but frankly, I'm tired and these eyes aren't gonna cooperate much longer. I hope we see more of eachother in the near future. Hooray!